Yesterday the LDS church made a big announcement in General Conference. The age of LDS missionaries has been lowered. Men can serve at 18 and women at 19. While this is an interesting change, many in the bloggernacle are treating it as a triumph for Mormon feminists. I see how they can see it that way, I can't. I can't see this as anything but another slap in the face to Mormon women.
The problem that many Mormon feminists had with the previous missionary set up was that there was an age gap for no apparent reason, and well as a difference in length of time served, again for not apparent reason. Both of these differences still exist. Women are still serving at a different age than men and for a different length of time. That status quo has not changed at all.
The reason given for this change was that it would make getting an education easier. In many places, you cannot start school than leave for two years or eighteen months. You lose credits, your place in school and even your chance to attend school in some cases. When men left at 19, they had a year to either screw around in school or waste time before going on a mission because they couldn't or didn't want to start school. Now, they wont' have that year, and will be able to start school easily when they return if they wish. Now it's the sisters who get put in that position. They are the ones whose education is in jeopardy just as the men's used to be. So it's not okay for men to hang around or mess up their education, but it's fine that the women have to do that. How is that any kind of equality?
What makes this worse to me is the fact that church leaders had a chance to make things right. They had a chance to prove that they do in fact value women in the same way the value men. And the intentionally chose to keep the status quo to keep men and women different. It would have been so easy to make the age the same in this instance, but they CHOSE not to. The pain of this is incredible for me It's not just old policy or unexamined tradition. It is a deliberate choice in brand new policy.
I"m tired of this. I'm tired of this church not giving a crap about the women who are members. I'm tired of fighting and hoping for change just to have garbage like this happen. To me this is not a step forward; it is proof that the church does not think women are as good as men and has no intention of making changes to give women more of a voice.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Mormon Diaries
"Brought up in a religious home, Sophia believes the only way to have a forever family is by following church leaders and obediently choosing the right. She goes to the right school, marries the right man in the right place, and does the right thing by staying home to raise her children. But when she starts asking questions about grace, love, and the nature of God, she realizes her spiritual struggles could rip her family apart. 'Sophia Stone has a fine eye and a searching heart. Her story of growing up in and reaching through her Mormonism for a deeper, more authentic spirituality reflects all the ways that religion can both keep us satisfied with easy answers and push us to more difficult and complicated realizations. We need a hundred more books like this one . . .' –Joanna Brooks, author of The Book of Mormon Girl
'Sophia Stone captured my attention from the beginning. This collection of personal essays, about questioning the legitimacy of Mormonism after having faith in the religion for the first 30-something years of her life, is not just a controversial quake to a reader’s heart and soul. Stone’s voice is brave, bold and intriguing. And surprisingly relatable to someone who is not religious.'-Jessica Bell, author of String Bridge"
Mormon Diaries comes out this month; keep an eye out for it! It is available from Amazon and Barnes and Noble.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
It's Okay to Say No
I just listened to a Mormon Expression podcast about opening your mouth and taking a stand. It's an awesome podcast that I found inspiring. It's hard to speak out against the majority but I feel that we can't complain about things that are wrong if we aren't doing something to draw attention to it (which isn't to say you have to be vocal in a specific way; there are many ways to draw attention to problems.)
Listening to this podcast made me feel better about something I did on Sunday. I ended up in Gospel Doctrine class because I thought a woman I love and respect was teaching. We have long discussions about the church and women's position in it. We don't always agree, but she is understanding and extremely intelligent so talking with her is always fun. And she is a fantastic teacher. So we walked into the classroom and someone else was teaching. It felt rude to walk out, so we stayed. The lesson was Alma 39. I wasn't really paying attention so I'm not sure how the teacher got here, but he started railing about enthusiasm and ragging on people who refuse callings. He described his early life in med school, where every night he and his family had church activities. He spoke with pride, saying that having this constant participation in the church brings joy and there is no good reason to turn down a calling. His method for curing unhappiness was to do more in the church.
I was enraged. I thought of the posts on the Expoenet and FMH written by women who are utterly exhausted, and yet feel like they can't say no to a calling or asked to be released. You can feel the pain, the helplessness, the despair in these posts as they ask permission to do what they know is right for them by turning down callings. I thought about the people I know who feel they don't know their fathers because all their growing up years their dads were never home. They were always in church meetings and neglected their families in the process. I was enraged that this man felt okay telling a room full of people that it is never okay to turn down a calling and that joy comes from spending all your time involved in church stuff. That doesn't hold up in many people's experience, and it ignores the fact that people are capable of determining what is best for them and their families. It says that some random church leader show does not know much about my life knows better then I do what will be best for my mental and physical health, my family relationships, my job and schooling etc.
So after the lesson, the woman I know went up and called him out. She shared that her dad was constantly absent in church callings and because her mother was an unstable person, she had to take over as parent as a young child. Every time her dad left she was terrified. She believes he should have been home but he chose the church over his family and his family suffered. She and her siblings have been damaged by his continued absence. I went and stood with her and gave my two cents, telling him abut the women I know who are literally killing themselves trying to do everything. They are hurting themselves by always saying yes to callings they don't have the capacity to fill it. And when they finally feel that they have the right to decide for themselves what they can handle, then they hear a lesson like this and go back to feeling like sinners for not being able to do it all. We spoke at him for about 10 minutes.
He looked a little deer in the headlights; he's a convert and very enthusiastic about the church. I don't think he has ever encountered such a strong negative reaction to something he has said, and I also don't think he has considered that there are legitimate reasons for saying no to a calling. He seems to assume everyone who says no is just lazy.
I felt a little bad for ganging up on him and fore being very blunt. But if he doesn't know that what he is teaching can be damaging it won't change. And he is jst a teacher; there is nothing that makes him more right then anyone else. Just because he has been given a podium that does not mean he can say what he wants and expect everything to think he is correct or more intelligent then anyone else in the room.
Listening to this podcast made me feel better about something I did on Sunday. I ended up in Gospel Doctrine class because I thought a woman I love and respect was teaching. We have long discussions about the church and women's position in it. We don't always agree, but she is understanding and extremely intelligent so talking with her is always fun. And she is a fantastic teacher. So we walked into the classroom and someone else was teaching. It felt rude to walk out, so we stayed. The lesson was Alma 39. I wasn't really paying attention so I'm not sure how the teacher got here, but he started railing about enthusiasm and ragging on people who refuse callings. He described his early life in med school, where every night he and his family had church activities. He spoke with pride, saying that having this constant participation in the church brings joy and there is no good reason to turn down a calling. His method for curing unhappiness was to do more in the church.
I was enraged. I thought of the posts on the Expoenet and FMH written by women who are utterly exhausted, and yet feel like they can't say no to a calling or asked to be released. You can feel the pain, the helplessness, the despair in these posts as they ask permission to do what they know is right for them by turning down callings. I thought about the people I know who feel they don't know their fathers because all their growing up years their dads were never home. They were always in church meetings and neglected their families in the process. I was enraged that this man felt okay telling a room full of people that it is never okay to turn down a calling and that joy comes from spending all your time involved in church stuff. That doesn't hold up in many people's experience, and it ignores the fact that people are capable of determining what is best for them and their families. It says that some random church leader show does not know much about my life knows better then I do what will be best for my mental and physical health, my family relationships, my job and schooling etc.
So after the lesson, the woman I know went up and called him out. She shared that her dad was constantly absent in church callings and because her mother was an unstable person, she had to take over as parent as a young child. Every time her dad left she was terrified. She believes he should have been home but he chose the church over his family and his family suffered. She and her siblings have been damaged by his continued absence. I went and stood with her and gave my two cents, telling him abut the women I know who are literally killing themselves trying to do everything. They are hurting themselves by always saying yes to callings they don't have the capacity to fill it. And when they finally feel that they have the right to decide for themselves what they can handle, then they hear a lesson like this and go back to feeling like sinners for not being able to do it all. We spoke at him for about 10 minutes.
He looked a little deer in the headlights; he's a convert and very enthusiastic about the church. I don't think he has ever encountered such a strong negative reaction to something he has said, and I also don't think he has considered that there are legitimate reasons for saying no to a calling. He seems to assume everyone who says no is just lazy.
I felt a little bad for ganging up on him and fore being very blunt. But if he doesn't know that what he is teaching can be damaging it won't change. And he is jst a teacher; there is nothing that makes him more right then anyone else. Just because he has been given a podium that does not mean he can say what he wants and expect everything to think he is correct or more intelligent then anyone else in the room.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
I Judge My Worth By What I Do
I've recently gotten myself into something of a mess. I've said yes to too many projects and am now so swamped I'm about to go crazy. Literally, I don't sleep, I don't have time to eat and I barely see my husband. I'm working full time, stage-managing a show (which is a full time job in and of itself), working as an intern for a non-profit doing communications and creating an index for someone that I've never met's family history. This is on top of the writing I normally do for the Exponent and other blogs. I'm not writing this to say "Look how cool I am!" I'm trying to figure out what motivates me to get into situations like this.
Part of my problem is that I want to feel I'm contributing to society. My job, while a good job, is fairly specific and can't really be said to add to the goodness in society. I catalog books, and while books are great things, putting book information into a libraries system just doesn't cut it for me in the do good for the world department.
The bigger issue though is that if I"m not doing something extra, something different, something useful, I feel like a failure at life. And my idea of is useful is pretty specific. The fact that I'm the person supporting my family financially doesn't feel important enough to me to make me feel like a useful person. I don't know why.
I'm beginning to wonder if my drive to do too much is based in the Mormon idea of earning salvation. In most other Christian traditions, salvation is free to those who accept it. They don't need to earn it through good works or perfection. But in Mormonism, we need to earn our way to heaven, by serving, being worthy, etc. We are only saved after we've done everything we can do. But then, because Mormons claims Christianity, we are also taught that all we do is never going to be good enough, so Christ fills in the rest. But he only fills it in if we do everything we possibly can. This creates a bunch of stressed out Mormons who do a lot of good but feel they haven't earned their way to heaven.
I have no idea if I believe in heaven or the Atonement, but I was brought up to do everything I could do. I wonder if that stuck; if I'm not doing every good thing I can possibly do, then I feel like a failure.
I'm not sure what this has to do with anything; just trying to figure it out.
Part of my problem is that I want to feel I'm contributing to society. My job, while a good job, is fairly specific and can't really be said to add to the goodness in society. I catalog books, and while books are great things, putting book information into a libraries system just doesn't cut it for me in the do good for the world department.
The bigger issue though is that if I"m not doing something extra, something different, something useful, I feel like a failure at life. And my idea of is useful is pretty specific. The fact that I'm the person supporting my family financially doesn't feel important enough to me to make me feel like a useful person. I don't know why.
I'm beginning to wonder if my drive to do too much is based in the Mormon idea of earning salvation. In most other Christian traditions, salvation is free to those who accept it. They don't need to earn it through good works or perfection. But in Mormonism, we need to earn our way to heaven, by serving, being worthy, etc. We are only saved after we've done everything we can do. But then, because Mormons claims Christianity, we are also taught that all we do is never going to be good enough, so Christ fills in the rest. But he only fills it in if we do everything we possibly can. This creates a bunch of stressed out Mormons who do a lot of good but feel they haven't earned their way to heaven.
I have no idea if I believe in heaven or the Atonement, but I was brought up to do everything I could do. I wonder if that stuck; if I'm not doing every good thing I can possibly do, then I feel like a failure.
I'm not sure what this has to do with anything; just trying to figure it out.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Why I Won't Leave the Church Alone
This breaks down into two issues in my mind. First, there are the church members who won't leave you alone. Second there is the fact that the church has inserted itself into EVERY aspect of your life, and felt justified in doing so. Detangleing yourself from that is an extensive process.
First, the church will not leave people alone. If you haven't been to church for a while, people comment, as though you didn't know you'd missed church and they are providing you with vital information. People who never speak to you at church make a point of telling you haven't been to church and that they missed you. How is that possible if they never speak to you when you are there? Then they send all kinds of people to your house who don't know you, and are frequently only there because they are supposed to. They have never exchanged words with you and will likely never do so after they are released from having to visit you. (Yes, I'm being a bit snide. I actually really like my current visiting teachers, but that was after I requested a change.) Then if they find out you are struggling, the bishop calls you in every couple of weeks and is passively aggressively threatening until you tell him you won't meet with him any more. So if the church can send people in to comment on my life and pass information about it up the food chain, I can comment on what the church does.
This is not my primary point however. The church feels okay inserting itself into every single aspect of my life. It has rules about everything I do and think. It feels it has the right to tell me:
-What I can and cannot eat.
-What I can and cannot drink.
-What I can and cannot wear.
-What I can and cannot wear on Sunday.
-What I can and cannot do on Sunday.
-What I can and cannot watch.
-What I can and cannot read.
-What I can and cannot listen to.
-What jewelry I can and cannot wear.
-What words I can and cannot use.
-Who I can and cannot date and marry.
-Who I can and cannot be friends with.
-What I can and cannot say and write about the church.
-What I can and cannot say about the church in public.
-What jobs I can and cannot take.
-What my role and purpose in life is.
-What I can and cannot do with my husband in private.
-What kinds of birth control I can and cannot use.
-Who, when and how I could date.
-What my family will look like.
-What my priorities should be.
-What I can think about.
-What God I should worship.
-What church I should attend.
-What leaders I should listen to.
-How I spend my money.
-Who I give money to.
-How I spend my time.
-How I might raise my kids.
-What my relationship with my husband should look like.
-What I should study.
There is nothing in my life the church doesn't feel it has a right to make a statement about. For most of my life, I've been following those rules because I was Mormon. But now, I need to figure out which rules I want to keep and which I don't. I never got a second ear piercing because the church said I wasn't supposed to. But now that I'm sorting through what I do and don't believe, I also have to sort through the rules as well. I couldn't think of a good reason for not getting a second piercing, and I wanted one so I got one. I've chosen not to drink at this point, because there are legitamate health and family reasons not to.
But since there is not a single aspect of my life, it's going to take me some time to parse out what rules I still want to follow. And since the church feels justified in inserting itself into every part of my life, I feel just as justified in inserting myself into every aspect of the church. If they don't want me there, maybe they shouldn't be as involved in my life and decisions.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
"Your difference is the medicine the world needs"
A few years ago I attended ACTF, a college theatre conference. There were acting, tech and writing competitions, workshops on all things theatre and performances by colleges from the western United States. I was there as a new play dramaturge for the 10-minute play writing contest, and it was awesome.
While I was there, I saw a play called Dear Harvey. The title references Harvey Milk, the first openly gay politician. It was a mosaic piece about the history and experience in the gay community, and was of the most incredible pieces I've ever seen. Most of us walked out crying at the injustice and pain experienced by this community.
One line in particular stuck out to me, "Your difference is the medicine the world needs." Harvey Milk encouraged people to come out to their friends and family because he knew it was harder to hate a group of people, to deny them rights if a friend or family member is a part of that group. That has been true in my experience. I was never very comfortable with the church's stance on gay marriage, but I dealt with and defended it for a while because it was what my church told me to. But as friends came out to me, I started to realize I couldn't just sit on the sidelines. If I didn't speak up for my friends, I was siding with those who would deny them rights. It was knowing and loving my gay friends that turned me from a fence sitter to a gay rights advocate.
Recently on a Facebook thread (I spend way too much time on Facebook) someone posted his experience of coming out to a church friend and the reaction he got. I thought it was an awesome story, and share it with permission.
Nic D.
"Today at church in a Father's Day talk a member went off about how society is going down on the backs of the iniquity of homosexuals everywhere, gays are no better than animals and gay marriage will destroy families and gay parents destroy children. How evil homosexuality is and how ashamed they should be for corrupting things God intended otherwise. Given my internal compass I am not offended by this but I looked around at everyone and wondered who else could be gay and hearing this. I tried to be cured and was in a hetero marriage that ended in divorce but I am a Dad as well. After sacrament I took this brother, he is a good man btw, in the hall and talked with him. I just told him I was gay and started testifying of the deep struggles I had for years trying to be cured. How much I love my kids and try to be the best Dad to them. How I did not choose this and I have an undeniable testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ including a strong relationship with them. And an even deeper testimony that they have always known i was gay, have never treated me differently and loved me even though I am gay. His face turned more and more pale white as I talked. I looked up at him to notice at the end tears streaming down his face. This is a brother I have befriended, helped through struggles, helped with his house and moving, helped him anytime he needed it and always smiled and asked how he was doing. He said, "I just can't stop crying I feel the spirit so strong right now. I am so, so sorry. I, I, I didn't know I mean you have kids, I mean I need to repent so bad. You're gay? That entirely changes everything I have ever felt or been taught about gay people." He hugged me and kept crying. And apologized several more times. I told him even more than me I worried about others who heard it and their thoughts and feelings. He said "I will go to the Bishop and ask him how I can correct this, so I can share what I have learned and my apology." So he did. Contention comes from one place, not God. We too easily politicize everything but souls are not political pawns to be played with. They are beautiful, intrinsically worth it children of God! Miracles happen as we reach out in love and understanding ONE soul at a time! I know this works as we have the courage to be ourselves and testify of tru principles"
One line in particular stuck out to me, "Your difference is the medicine the world needs." Harvey Milk encouraged people to come out to their friends and family because he knew it was harder to hate a group of people, to deny them rights if a friend or family member is a part of that group. That has been true in my experience. I was never very comfortable with the church's stance on gay marriage, but I dealt with and defended it for a while because it was what my church told me to. But as friends came out to me, I started to realize I couldn't just sit on the sidelines. If I didn't speak up for my friends, I was siding with those who would deny them rights. It was knowing and loving my gay friends that turned me from a fence sitter to a gay rights advocate.
Recently on a Facebook thread (I spend way too much time on Facebook) someone posted his experience of coming out to a church friend and the reaction he got. I thought it was an awesome story, and share it with permission.
Nic D.
"Today at church in a Father's Day talk a member went off about how society is going down on the backs of the iniquity of homosexuals everywhere, gays are no better than animals and gay marriage will destroy families and gay parents destroy children. How evil homosexuality is and how ashamed they should be for corrupting things God intended otherwise. Given my internal compass I am not offended by this but I looked around at everyone and wondered who else could be gay and hearing this. I tried to be cured and was in a hetero marriage that ended in divorce but I am a Dad as well. After sacrament I took this brother, he is a good man btw, in the hall and talked with him. I just told him I was gay and started testifying of the deep struggles I had for years trying to be cured. How much I love my kids and try to be the best Dad to them. How I did not choose this and I have an undeniable testimony of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ including a strong relationship with them. And an even deeper testimony that they have always known i was gay, have never treated me differently and loved me even though I am gay. His face turned more and more pale white as I talked. I looked up at him to notice at the end tears streaming down his face. This is a brother I have befriended, helped through struggles, helped with his house and moving, helped him anytime he needed it and always smiled and asked how he was doing. He said, "I just can't stop crying I feel the spirit so strong right now. I am so, so sorry. I, I, I didn't know I mean you have kids, I mean I need to repent so bad. You're gay? That entirely changes everything I have ever felt or been taught about gay people." He hugged me and kept crying. And apologized several more times. I told him even more than me I worried about others who heard it and their thoughts and feelings. He said "I will go to the Bishop and ask him how I can correct this, so I can share what I have learned and my apology." So he did. Contention comes from one place, not God. We too easily politicize everything but souls are not political pawns to be played with. They are beautiful, intrinsically worth it children of God! Miracles happen as we reach out in love and understanding ONE soul at a time! I know this works as we have the courage to be ourselves and testify of tru principles"
Monday, June 11, 2012
There's Someone Wrong on the Internet! (And they might be Mormon)
This comic has been floating around Facebook, and I love it. I describes my life entirely too accurately. I know I'm not the only one; if people didn't want to talk about what they thought social media would not exist. I was talking with my mom about social media the other day and she said that even on cooking sites she goes on, people argue heatedly over the merits of recipes. People like to say what they think.There are many who say social media is dangerous and pointless. I don't deny that it can eat up large chunks of time if you let it, that it can hurt social skills if people use it as their only source of interaction, and that you can find garbage that you don't want to see. But none of those things are exclusive to social media; you can waste time and find things you are uncomfortable with anywhere, and you can isolate yourself without social media. I believe there are major benefits to social networking sites. They allow people to find communities of like-minded people who don't live in their area. They allow for the spread of information (I get a lot of my updates on feminist issues and Mormon issues from various Facebook groups0 as well as vetting for that information. With hundreds of people looking at something, you are more likely to be made aware if it is inaccurate or made up.
The church struggles with social networking sites, and the internet in general. It hasn't seemed to realize that anything it has ever said, in private or public, is available somewhere. They can change or remove information from the sources they control, but not everywhere. For example, they edited a talk given by Bro. Packer a few years ago in general conference. In the Ensign and on the video-feed on LDS.org, it was different then the original. But people had recorded and transcribed the original, so you can still find it and use it. The same is true with historical information, church policy that isn't readily available through church sources (like parts of the Church Handbook of Instruction), personal experiences with the church and many other things.
Another problem I've noticed is encouraging members to bear testimony using social networking sites. I've seen many members do this, and generally it's pretty innocuous. like posting quotes or conference talks. Generally the only comments they get are from fellow Mormons agreeing with whatever it is. That's more preaching to the choir then missionary work, but whatever. Occasionally I see things that only Mormons will get, like someone who took two weeks and posted an Article of Faith as his status every day. He was trying to prove that Mormons were Christian, but since only a few actually talk about Christ, and many (number 10 comes to mind) are straight up confusing if you aren't Mormon (and sometimes even if you are.) Many non-members would look at that and just say "huh?" I guess confusion can lead to questions which could lead to missionary work, but often if I see something I really don't get on Facebook I just ignore it. Then you run into the problem of people reacting in anger if someone does ask a question about their religious posts, because they aren't prepared to deal with those questions.
But the biggest problem I've seen is people who, in an attempt to make the church look good or defend it actually end up making it and themselves look bad. This seems to happen mostly when trying to defend the church's stance on gay marriage and other social issues, or when trying to prove that the church is right for everyone. I've heard people say that they don't care if they hurt other people's feeling because they are defending what's right. I've heard God is prejudiced, that people who leave the church will be punished and all kinds of things that make people look bigoted and cruel and make the church look like an institution that cares more about being right then loving others and following Christ. In trying to defend the church's policies, the church comes out looking more bigoted then it did before they tried.
This was brought home in a recent Facebook thread on my wall. The person who did the most damage is in dark blue and I'm in dark green. A friend took this picture because it was astounding how much this person did not know about their own faith. They claimed that the church's stance on sin and homosexuality has never changed, and continued to say that after being shown changes in the CHI. They refused to believe that a man can be sealed to two living women, claiming anyone who did that was doing it without the knowledge of the church. Again, this is something the church has a policy on. They give permission for a man to be sealed a second time if he is legally divorced. This person simply did not know enough about their own religion to defend it well and because they were uneducated they ended up looking really stupid and making the church look stupid. How is it missionary work to say that the church doesn't do something when it does? And how are you a credible missionary if you don't know your own religion?
For a while now I've been thinking that the church should stop telling people to bear testimony on social networking sites. People are used to doing so in church where everyone nods, and even if someone disagrees they generally don't say anything. People rarely have to defend their testimonies in church. The same is not true online; not everyone shares your beliefs and since it is a public forum, questions and comments are fair game. In my mind if you put something up in a public forum, you should be able to explain it and answer legitimate questions. But the irritation that arises when someone is asked to explain something in their testimony is interesting; what exactly do they want to happen. If someone is interested, wouldn't they ask questions. And if those questions were shut down in anger, wouldn't that push people away from the church? Until people can discuss their testimonies intelligently and understand the church well enough to know what they are talking about, I'm not sure social networking is the best missionary tool.
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