A Feminist Mormon's Bucket List

Several things have led to this post. First, a friend's blog that had her "Bucket list," things she wants to do before she "kicks the bucket." I've always liked the idea of a bucket list, but never got around to doing one. But I lately I read an article on Feminist Mormon Housewives about what you would do if you weren't Mormon. While it's hard to answer that question, I've been pondering the direction my life can take now that I no longer consider myself Mormon in the doctrinal sense (though I will likely always be a cultural Mormon.) And then I got myself a copy of "From Housewife to Heretic," Sonia Johnson's autobiography about her excommunication because of her pro-ERA activities. I'll probably write a post just on that book, since there is so much in it and most of it enrages me. But the reason it matters here is because it has galvanized me to start making changes in my life in a way that nothing else has.

So here's my list of things I want to do to move forward as myself, and as a feminist: my Feminist Mormon Bucket List.

1. Get a second ear piercing. I've always thought they were cute, and I no longer give the church the right to dictate what I do with my body.

2. Go to grad school or law school. I've always planned on this, but now it's in the forefront of the plan.

3. Do something to end my ability to have children, or at least something more permanent then the pill I'm currently. I've always felt guilty for not wanting kids, but now I'm going to follow my revelation about not having them.

4. Dedicate my time to the church on my terms. Currently I have a calling in Primary. I generally teach what I believe to be right, but occasionally slip into church talk I don't believe. That's not going to happen anymore. I will teach only what I believe.

That's the list for now, although I'm sure there will be more!

Balance

I've been married for 2 1/2 years, which has been wonderful overall. My husband brings out sides of me I don't normally show, like my silly and fun-loving side. He is not bound by opinions about gender roles, or at least as unbound as any of us can be. He's a better cook and likes cooking more then I do, and has taken over doing the laundry. He is behind the things I want to do. If something will make me happy he's fine with it. There is nothing in our relationship that make me feel as though I need to ask for permission to do things or place his needs before my own. My parents never modeled that kind of mentality. But I always feel that I need to ask his permission to do things that don't involve him, and that his needs should supersede mine.

I don't really know how to describe the conundrum I find myself in. I love my husband and want him to be happy. And he loves me and wants me to be happy. But we both find fulfillment and joy outside our relationship as well as within it. I go to various feminist and liberal Mormon events without him. We work on separate theatre projects. We read different things. Neither of us have a problem with this. We also spend time together and do things with each other. I guess the problem is with how and when we do things is determined. Sometimes if K wants to do something together and I want to be by myself, I will spend time with him to make him happy. That is part of marriage in my mind; paying attention to the others needs. So, in theory, as often as I spend time with him, I should also be able to say that I'd rather have some time to myself just as often. And that's where we hit a problem. I don't feel ok saying that. I feel guilty, like I'm failing in a responsibility. I know if K know that I felt that we he would be very sad. He would tell me to do what was going to make me happy. But even when he says it I feel bad. I am choosing to put his needs before my own because I feel that his needs are more important them mine. So I get angry at him when he hasn't done anything wrong. I don't express how I feel or what I need from him. I don't take what I need into account, or feel guilty when I do. How do I move past this?

A Feminist Christmas

My in-laws don't know much about my feminist sensibilities. They are pretty conservitive Mormons, so there are lots of things that I don't say around them to keep things from getting awkward. We only see them twice a year, so it's not hard. But I feel inauthentic; I want them to know me, know what is important to me, especcially as it becomes clear that I'm exiting the church. But how do you let people know what you believe in a way that doesn't make conversation drift into uncomfortable silence?

I had something of an epiphany last night about one way to share my feminism in a none-threatening way. At Counterpoint this year, LDS WAVE was selling copies of their book Words of Wisdom. It's a book of quotes, separated by topic, focusing on quotes by female church leaders and quotes directed specifically towards women. My mother-in-law is in the Relief Society presidency in her ward, so I thought this would be a good gift for her. We won't be there for Christmas, so I want to include a note telling her about WAVE and that I'm involved with it. It might give her an idea about who I am in a positive light, since the book is to help people embrace female leaders and the information addressed directly to women. It's a cool book, and an easy way to give women more of a voice in church meetings. I downloaded it free for my iPad.

It struck me as a really awesome idea, so I thought I'd write about it.

Being Hit with a Patriarchy Stick

Last week was my first time going to Sacrament Meeting in probably a month and a half. It's at 9 a.m., and it's just easier for me and K to show up to teach Primary at 10. Last week was fast and testimony meeting, so I figured I'd be safe. I strongly believe that people have the right to express their connection to God, even if it's not how I would do it, and since that's what testimonies are, rather then talks about doctrine, I thought it might be okay.

It's been so long since I'd been to Sacrament Meeting that I'd forgotten how patriarchal it is. I felt like I was being hit over the head with a patriarchy stick. It was all men on the stand, minus the chorister. Men were conducting and dealing with the Sacrament. But what got to me the most was the complete lack of discussion of the female divinity. All prayers were to Heavenly Father in the name of Christ. There were many testimonies about the love of Heavenly Father, about help from Heavenly Father, about love for Heavenly Father. I don't have an issue with that, but it was so sad for me to see the lack of a Heavenly Mother, a women to get help and love from. I really felt for the first time as though half the human race was missing divinity, was missing God. I felt excluded, cut off from God. Men and power were linked, and I felt second class and powerless.

This was compounded by a conversation with one of the Elder's Quorum Presidency. Apparently it was a personal Priesthood interview, but I was there for some reason. He started going off about how K needed to be doing personal prayer because he was the head of house and would be the father one day (I love the assumption that we'll have kids) and he needed to be the strength of the family. I got pissed and walked out. Why does there need to be a head? Why can't we just be seen as two people who work together?

This was all happening in the midst of a Facebook fight, started by this post on Feminist Mormon Housewives. It's been going on for over a week with around 130 comments. Some girl I barely know is reaming me out for not accepting that women and men are different and therefore should be treated differently, even when the treatment has nothing to do with what makes men and women different. I feel like I'm being smothered in patriarchy, like I'll never get away from it. And every time I stand up to it, I get knocked down with the patriarchy stikc.

Rewording Primary Songs

I've taken to changing words in Primary songs to make singing/sharing time more bearable. I've been working in Primary (the LDS church's children's organization) for over a year. It's where they tend to stick young married couples in, and after mouthing off to my bishop about my issues with the church, I guess they assume it's a reasonably safe place to leave me. It's not bad; the eight to ten year olds we teach are fun, and I can alter the lessons to teach about the love of God, compassion, that being different is ok, etc. But when the whole Primary meets together and is taught the party line of obedience to leaders, Mormonism as exclusive truth, gender roles, and on and on. So in order to not lose my mind, I try to make things more female-friendly. I got the idea from this blog

My most recent is this:
I kneel to pray everyday,
I speak to Heavenly Mother.
She hears and answers me,
When I pray in faith.

I begin by saying dear Heavenly Mother,
I thank her for blessings she sends.
Then humbly I ask her for things that I need,
In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Despite the prayer structure that seems unnecesarily formulaic, the idea of a woman hearing and answering my prayer is incredibly beautiful. I never realized the lack of the Divine Feminine in my life until I started adding her to my vision of God. It gives me a connection to God I've never had before. Like Sue Monk Kidd says in The Secret Life of Bees "Everyone needs a God who looks like them."

How Does This Happen?

A few nights ago, my husband made a passing comment about his socks being dirty from walking in our apartment, and that the floors should probably be vacuumed. I immediately felt guilty, and told him I felt bad that the floors were dirty. He asked why I felt bad since he hadn't cleaned up either, then said, "It's not because you're a girl is it?" he went on to remind me that it was as much his job as mine to keep things clean, and when I got home from work the next day, he had vacuumed.

I grew up with progressive parents who divided housework up based on who was home, who had time, and who enjoyed what, with things coming out basically even. I was never taught that one job was for boys, and one for girls. I have two sisters, and we all did all kinds of chores growing up. My husband has never said, implied or suggested that I am primarily responsible for household chores because I'm female. He does the laundry most of the time, we split the cleaning based on schedules, and cook and shop together. I've been a feminist all my life, and never bought into the notion that being female made me better at or more responsible for household chores. The only place I heard that was at church. Despite all this, I felt guilty for not cleaning the house. I felt like I had failed in a responsibility, that I'd fallen down on the job. How does this happen to someone like me? How does the church have that much power over me?

My Interpretation is as Valid as Yours

It's LDS General Conference, which has become a difficult time for me. Last conference, 6 months ago, I watched all the sessions and spent the weekend being pissed off and outed my disbelief in the church to my mother, which I hadn't intended to do. So this time around, I tried to take a different approach. I spent Saturday with my husband, which was way more fun, and felt like a better use of my time. But today, Sunday, we're at my parents. I thought I could hack it if I only had to watch a few sessions, but I lost it about an hour into the Sunday morning session. I left the room to avoid upsetting my family, and my husband followed me out.

I told him I was annoyed at Sis. Dalton's talk about fathers and daughters, that it felt like it was just re-doing the father as "patriarch" who "presides" in the home, and suggested that women's identity is reliant on a good man loving her. His response was, "that's not what she was saying," to which I responded, "I'm not going to defend myself. My interpretation is just as valid as yours." It's very easy for me to feel wrong when confronted with different interpretations In LDS situations. But reading a recent article, has made me want to change that. Just because people are dismissive or scared of what I am saying that does not mean that my emotional or intellectual reaction is invalid. Mormons are taught to listen to authority, that our personal revelation won't conflict with authority and if it does it is wrong. On top of that, women are told that their nature is passive, selfless, submission. Women who conform and give up their voices are honored and set up as examples. Even though I know I'm smart and speak my mind, I still feel as though my beliefs don't carry as much weight as those of the people around me. Telling my husband that my interpretation was as valid as his was a step forward. I'm done backing down just because people don't like what I say.