Last week was my first time going to Sacrament Meeting in probably a month and a half. It's at 9 a.m., and it's just easier for me and K to show up to teach Primary at 10. Last week was fast and testimony meeting, so I figured I'd be safe. I strongly believe that people have the right to express their connection to God, even if it's not how I would do it, and since that's what testimonies are, rather then talks about doctrine, I thought it might be okay.
It's been so long since I'd been to Sacrament Meeting that I'd forgotten how patriarchal it is. I felt like I was being hit over the head with a patriarchy stick. It was all men on the stand, minus the chorister. Men were conducting and dealing with the Sacrament. But what got to me the most was the complete lack of discussion of the female divinity. All prayers were to Heavenly Father in the name of Christ. There were many testimonies about the love of Heavenly Father, about help from Heavenly Father, about love for Heavenly Father. I don't have an issue with that, but it was so sad for me to see the lack of a Heavenly Mother, a women to get help and love from. I really felt for the first time as though half the human race was missing divinity, was missing God. I felt excluded, cut off from God. Men and power were linked, and I felt second class and powerless.
This was compounded by a conversation with one of the Elder's Quorum Presidency. Apparently it was a personal Priesthood interview, but I was there for some reason. He started going off about how K needed to be doing personal prayer because he was the head of house and would be the father one day (I love the assumption that we'll have kids) and he needed to be the strength of the family. I got pissed and walked out. Why does there need to be a head? Why can't we just be seen as two people who work together?
This was all happening in the midst of a Facebook fight, started by this post on Feminist Mormon Housewives. It's been going on for over a week with around 130 comments. Some girl I barely know is reaming me out for not accepting that women and men are different and therefore should be treated differently, even when the treatment has nothing to do with what makes men and women different. I feel like I'm being smothered in patriarchy, like I'll never get away from it. And every time I stand up to it, I get knocked down with the patriarchy stikc.
Hey, so, I just got to your blog via the Exponent, and I already identify with you based on the name. I just finished reading that book about a week ago and started my own blog (a sort of secret one in addition to my regular one) wherein I'm basically doing the same thing you are... Figuring out how to heal that feminine wound and stop getting bludgeoned with the patriarchy stick. It looks like your blog is pretty new, too; I haven't gone to read your older posts yet, but I already think it's funny that your first ones were in September, because that's when I started this whole faith transition thing that I'm doing. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I understand and empathize. Finding this online community of Mormon feminists has really been the thing that's kept me from going crazy, so it's pretty special to me.
ReplyDeleteThanks Miri! Sounds like you were quicker on the uptake then me. I read Dissadent Daughter in like 2009 and was in denial for a few years. Then I didn't know what to do about it! The online community is a lifesaver! Hope this can be helpful for you!
DeleteThank you for your post, DefyGravity and also for Miri's comment. I'm definitely on the same page. It can be very difficult. The negative aspects of the patriarchy was especially acute and painful for me when I went to the Temple to take out my Endowment before my marriage. I haven't been back since. However, in a way, this experience had a positive outcome (at least I think it did). It propelled me to really reevaluate my life and my beliefs and make changes accordingly.
ReplyDeleteThe temple is rough. I was able to go for maybe 5 monthes before it got too painful. I haven't been in years except for a wedding, which was also hard. I agree that the results of questioning have largely been positivem because I'm happier finding what I believe rather than trying to make myself believe something that doesn't feel right.
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