Sunday, December 18, 2011


I've been married for 2 1/2 years, which has been wonderful overall. My husband brings out sides of me I don't normally show, like my silly and fun-loving side. He is not bound by opinions about gender roles, or at least as unbound as any of us can be. He's a better cook and likes cooking more then I do, and has taken over doing the laundry. He is behind the things I want to do. If something will make me happy he's fine with it. There is nothing in our relationship that make me feel as though I need to ask for permission to do things or place his needs before my own. My parents never modeled that kind of mentality. But I always feel that I need to ask his permission to do things that don't involve him, and that his needs should supersede mine.

I don't really know how to describe the conundrum I find myself in. I love my husband and want him to be happy. And he loves me and wants me to be happy. But we both find fulfillment and joy outside our relationship as well as within it. I go to various feminist and liberal Mormon events without him. We work on separate theatre projects. We read different things. Neither of us have a problem with this. We also spend time together and do things with each other. I guess the problem is with how and when we do things is determined. Sometimes if K wants to do something together and I want to be by myself, I will spend time with him to make him happy. That is part of marriage in my mind; paying attention to the others needs. So, in theory, as often as I spend time with him, I should also be able to say that I'd rather have some time to myself just as often. And that's where we hit a problem. I don't feel ok saying that. I feel guilty, like I'm failing in a responsibility. I know if K know that I felt that we he would be very sad. He would tell me to do what was going to make me happy. But even when he says it I feel bad. I am choosing to put his needs before my own because I feel that his needs are more important them mine. So I get angry at him when he hasn't done anything wrong. I don't express how I feel or what I need from him. I don't take what I need into account, or feel guilty when I do. How do I move past this?


  1. If you see a stranded motorist and want to stop and give them some gas, you have to have gas in your own tank to be able to spare. So, you have to have your own tank pretty full in order to be able to do anything for anyone else.
    So you have to take care of yourself. Because if you don't take care of yourself, then no matter how much *time* you spend with/for someone, it's not going to be worth as much. If you take the time to fill your own tank, then you're better company (and have more to offer) in the remaining time.
    I hope that all made sense!

  2. Thanks Jenni. Logically I know that, and I"m working on trying to put it into practice. It's good to be reminded of that when I get in a guilty slump.