Friday, January 27, 2012

Who is Welcome in Zion, or, Thank You Exponent!


Recently I've been struggling with the loss of an LDS community. My beliefs prevent me from feeling and acting in an authentic way in many church settings. I don't wish to harm another person's faith by expressing the many problems I see within the Mormon church. If it works for them, I have no right to try to blast that apart. But since my beliefs about God, religion and the church have altered, I feel I must often be silent rather then speak my truth. It is an uncomfortable position to be in.

This is exacerbated by people in the Mormon community telling me that I am unwelcome. One recent example Is on my Feminist Mormon's Bucket List post. Caren, who I have learned is in my ward, told me to leave the church. Another woman I don't know at all attacked me on Facebook, calling me selfish and irrational after I said that I did not want kids in an exchange of experiences on someone's Facebook wall. This may sound like a pity party, and I am pretty hurt and angry. These women have decided to exclude me from their community, from the Zion most members wish to create. In order for their Zion to exist, I must be removed. There is no place for me in their Mormon Zion; their God does not want me.

But I have also had encounters with Mormons who would accept me into their Zion. In the same post where Caren told me to leave, TopHat said I was welcome in her Zion. (I hope she reads this, because that comment meant the world to me.) She wasn't the only one. The comments on that truly cruel and painful post from Mormon women (largely from the Exponent community) expressing acceptance and coming to my defense were astounding. These women don't know me well; in fact most of what they know about me are my questions and doubts and anger. But they welcome me into their community of Mormon women. They do not feel the need to throw me out to improve their community or please their God. The women of the Exponent have made me feel welcome and accepted without telling me to shut up or get with the program. They welcome difference into their Zion. I hope they know how absolutely grateful I am for that.

Recently I attended a book group with women in my ward. We were discussing All God's Critter's Got a Place in the Choir by Laurel Thatcher Ulrich and Emma Lou Thayne. (Here's a video of Celtic Thunder singing the song the title is based on. Great song!) I was leading the discussion and started with the essay Lusterware, which suggests that questions and doubts are a good thing, because they lead us to a stronger understanding of God. I was worried about choosing that essay to talk about, but I shouldn't have been. The women present jumped in, talking about how questioning is a good thing, and how there is no reason to be afraid of questions or those who ask them. They made it clear that questioners were welcome in their Zion. Granted, most of these women do not know the extent of my differing beliefs, but I do not believe they would shun me if they did. They would worry, but they would welcome me.

Many believe that Zion will only exist when everyone believes the same thing. Therefore they may feel the need, as evidenced by my recent experience, to exclude those with different beliefs. But I wonder if God does not intend this to be Zion. One of the descriptions of Zion is that there are no poor; everyone has what they need. Everyone is taken care of. So what if Zion is about learning to love and take care of everyone, even those different from us? What if Zion is living in a way that everyone can find God in their own way and have that way be respected by the people around them. I am different from the women of the Exponent and in my book group. But they respect my path while living their own. Spunky said in a comment to Caren that she respects my attempts to find truth even though they differ from her own. That sounds much more divine to me then telling someone to "get out" because they disagree with you. (Yes, I'm still a little pissy. I'm working on it.)

Long story short, thank you Exponent and book group for showing me Zion!

14 comments:

  1. I left this link on TopHat's facebook page to make sure she sees it. :) (I have the privilege of knowing her personally, we were in a playgroup together in provo loong ago... :) )

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    1. Thanks! I'm still learning who writes as who on the Exponent. I know real names and pseudonyms, but I'm still linking them together. :) I appreciate it!

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  2. DefyGravity- I shared that Zion comment because the whole ordeal reminded me of a similar situation I was in a few years ago. Our ward had recently had lessons on Zion and becoming one, when a few weeks later, I found myself being verbally assaulted by another member of the ward while we were walking home from church. When we finally did get home from church, I broke down telling my husband that we should switch to the Spanish ward or the student ward because apparently my ward didn't want me. I felt reject. Everything did settle down, but that feeling like I wasn't wanted really hurt. Since then, I've tried to remember that Zion is for everyone- and we aren't the ones who get to decide who is there. We are just supposed to be there. <3

    Also, I'm Heather Farley. :)

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    1. It was surprised at how bad it made me feel. I'm sorry you've been through something similar. No one should get to make another person feel that way. Thanks for making me feel welcome!

      I thought you were TopHat, but I'm still getting eveyone straight. Thanks. ;)

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  3. DefyGravity,
    I see your comments on the Exponent II blog often... I hope you know you are loved and valued by a community of women-- most of us have never met face to face. Your story is important and I hope you will continue to share your thoughts and feelings with us. Our goal is to make Exponent II a safe place where women can connect and share what means most to them. We need you!

    Kirsten Campbell
    Exponent II President

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    1. Thanks Kristen. I love the Exponent community. I started reading maybe 3 years ago and loved the open atmosphere. And writing for it has been wonderful for me. It's a fantastic community.

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  4. I feel this way about the Exponent blog, as well. And I always enjoy reading your comments there.

    I'm sorry that you met with such an unfortunate experience from a ward member. Hearing (and reading, I felt compelled to find the exchange a few posts back - and all I can say is WOW!) stories like that always makes me wish I could fix it. :-)

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    1. Thanks! It kind of blew my mind. I wish I could fix these things too. But support always helps! ;)

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  5. Beautiful post, DefyGravity. If only there were more places for Mormon women across the spectrum to join together in Zion. I'm glad to have met you there, my friend.

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    1. Thanks Emily. :) I agree that I wish there were more safe spaces, but the ones there are are wonderful. It's been great to get to know you!

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  6. Y'know, when it says "of one heart and one mind," I've always assumed that meant everyone -- that it's inclusive, not insular. That Zion is the family that will adopt anyone who wants to be part of it in any way, and that the ones we really mourn for are the ones who won't sit next to certain family members at mealtimes. It's a big table out there, DefyGravity...glad to have you eating with us, even if some of your sisters are giving you the silent treatment at the moment.

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    1. I'm glad you see Zion that way. And your analogy is awesome! I grew up with 2 sisters and we've had our share of spats. Those spats ended, so maybe we can hope that spats like these will too. Thanks for the welcome!

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    2. Yeah, I have two younger sisters. :)

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    3. Good times, right? My sisters and I are the same age, so that means we spent a lot of time competing and being cranky teenagers at the same time. :)

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